Dark November 暗い十一月

DSC_6023I haven’t been blogging for 3 months. I quit, just like that. No big deal. Somehow, I just didn’t see the meaning anymore, trying to find things to blog about that potential readers would find interesting. And then I had quite a gloomy fall. There have been few things that I have been feeling up to doing, and least of that blogging about things, pretending that everything is fun and fabulous and fantastic.

三ヶ月間このブログで何も書いてない。辞めた、急に。大したもんじゃない。なぜか分からないがもう、もしかしている読者が気になりそうなものを考えようとして、書く理由が見つからない。後、今年の秋は結構暗かった。やりたいことが少なくて、ブログで人生が完璧で最高のように振りして書くのもあんまり魅力的じゃなかった。DSC_6014 DSC_6025 But last week I when I was at my parents place I just realized that I really enjoy taking photos, of random things around me, and that I also want to share them somehow, with the aim being the actual sharing rather than feedback. Also it’s really great for my Japanese skills to continue writing here… So, I’m back. And from now on, if I keep up, I hope that this place will be a little less pretentious. Maybe a place for just showing photos and expressing my thoughts and feelings at the moment. Of course I will continue to post recipes. Cooking, baking, eating, going to cafes and of some strange reason taking pictures of food are a bunch of things I really appreciate.

でも先週実家にいたら、写真を撮るのが大好きことを思い出した。その写真をシェアするのも楽しんでいる。フィードバックを得るためよりも、ただシェアをそのままの目的で。しかも日本語の勉強にもいいし。ということで、戻りました、ブログに。続けたらこれからもう少し飾り気のない写真や意見、考えを伝えるブログにしたいと思う。もちろんレシピをシェアし続くけど。料理することやベーキングすること、食べること、カフェに行くこと、何でか分からないけど食べ物の斜視をとること、とても好きだから。

DSC_5954DSC_5994Basically, it will be what I feel like posting. That’s it🙂

ただ、好きなものについて書く。それだけ:)

About this fall then. Yesterday we watched the film Mr. Nobody, great film I have to add. And there is a quote, that caught my attention and describes my current state of mind rather well.

では、この秋の話でも少しするか。昨日、ミスター・ノーボディというとてもいい映画を観た。映画の途中、気になった、私の現在の生活をうまく説明できる名言があった。

There comes a time in life where everything seems narrow. Choices have been made. I can only continue on. I know myself like the back of my hand. I can predict my every reaction. My life has been cast in cement with airbags and seatbelts. I’ve done everything to reach this point and now that I’m here, I’m fucking bored.

Especially that last sentence. I’ve been waiting for the last 4 years to be able to move together with my boyfriend. Whenever I had a bit gloomy times until now, I could push myself knowing that soon I’d be where I wanted to be – living somewhere with him, working, occasionally travelling, living a “real” life. And now that I’m here? I’m not going to say that I’m bored, but it feels like I hit a wall of sorts. On paper I’m doing well. I got a good job which is fun. I live in an apartment that we will be able to keep for at least 2 years. I’m traveling to Japan this winter. But it’s not really perfect. We live in Stockholm, a city that I have yet to come to fully like. We live in the suburbs, it takes long to travel to work and town and the area is quite depressing. Work has become extremely busy since a college quit and I suddenly got a lot of responsibility that a “new” employee usually wouldn’t get – fun and challenging of course but stressful and scary.

上記で英語で読めるが、最後の分だけ翻訳する:”目標を目指すように何でもしてきましたけど、やっと達成したら、くそつまらない。” 私はこの四年間彼氏と一緒に住めるように頑張った。今までいつも大変や悲しい時、彼と住んだり、仕事をしたり、たまに旅行したり、最高の”本当”の生活がもうすぐ始まるから頑張ることができた。で、今やっとその本当の生活が始まった旬間?つまらないというわけないけど、進まない。名目上はうまくやっているけどね。いい楽しい仕事をゲットしたし、せめて2年間住めるアパートを見つけたし、年末日本に行くし。でも完璧じゃない。まだ好きになっていないストックホルムに住んでいる。アパートは郊外の悲しいエリアにある。通勤時間が長い。オフィスで先輩の同僚が会社辞めてから私が新人として普通にあるはずない責任が大変に増えた。面白くてやりがいのある状況だけど、同時に怖くてストレスが多い。DSC_5947DSC_6006I have realized that I’m the kind of person who can’t have a static life but always needs to feel that change is going and that I’m heading somewhere. And since I’m now officially where I wanted to be in my life I do not have a current goal, which I’ve had for the last 4 or 5 years. I don’t know what to struggle for, or look forward to. I hope I will find something soon, or it will be hard to know what the point of making an effort and improving is.

私の性格は単調で動かない生活がいやで、どっかの違う方法にいつも動いていないとだめだと気づいた。だから今ずうっと送るべきだと思った生活を暮らしていると次どうしようか分からない。何のため頑張ればいいの?もうすぐ何かの目標を見つけるといいんだけど。だって、そうじゃないと頑張ると進歩する意味が分からない。DSC_5993These pictures are from my parents’ house. The cats, my brother’s and sister’s kids, and the nature around the house are good things in my life. I really love being in my parents’ place and in my family we spend a lot of time together. My cousin noticed something the other week though, when the family celebrated my 26ht birthday at my parents’ place. There is a generation shift going on. My grandparents are gone, my parents are now the grandparents and I am now one of the “adults”. As the youngest in a family with 4 siblings, where I used to be in the center all the time, this is quite confusing for me and I’m not sure how to handle this identity switch. As an example, I didn’t get any birthday gift from my parents (or my boyfriend for that matter, but he’s overloaded with work so there’s nothing to do about that), which totally makes sense because I’m working and there’s no reason they should run around and buying me gifts. But at the same time, I can’t help but feeling a little sad that the excited feeling about having your birthday is totally erased from my life. So many things that used to be exciting have no meaning anymore. Is that what happens when you grow up?

今日の写真は実家で取ったものだ。猫、姪と甥、その家の周りの自然が人生のいいことだ。実家にいるが本当に好きで親戚一同は一般的に一緒よく会ったり遊んだりする。この間私の従姉妹は少し面白いことを発見した。親類一同の中、世代交代が今行っている。おばあさんとおじいさん亡くなった。その代わりに私の両親がおばあさんとおじいさんになってしまった。私はもう子供じゃなくて大人です。兄弟四人の一番若いほとんどのアテンションを受けた子として、結構混乱されて新しいアイデンティティーをどうやって扱えばいいか分からない。例えば今年両親から誕生日プレゼントをもらわなかった(彼氏からでももらわなかったけど、彼忙しくてしようがない)。でも本当にもらわなくていい、だって私仕事しているし、両親がわざわざプレゼント買うわけないし。でも、子供のころ誕生日のワクワクさせる感情がもう全くないのが少し悲しい。最近、昔ワクワクさせるものが急に意味なくなってしまった。それは大人になるということか?DSC_5962Christmas has still a bit of magic to it though, and I’m doing my best to decorate our little apartment accordingly. I won’t be home this Christmas, but in Japan. I have mixed feelings about that but it sure will be great to eat all the amazing food and seeing all friends again. The times I lived in Japan feel distant. Hopefully returning will remind me of good days and maybe inspire some new goals to work towards.

せめてクリスマスを考えると少しワクワクする。だからアパートにクリスマスのデコレーションを少し入れた。今年のクリスマスはスウェーデンにいなくて、日本にいる。それについて複雑な感情を抱いているけど、きっと素敵な食べ物、友達に会うことなどちゃんと楽しめるだろう。日本に住んだ次代、遠い過去のように感じている。また来日するのは楽しい時を思い出させて新しい目標を見つかるようなインスピレーションになるといいんだけど。DSC_5973

4 thoughts on “Dark November 暗い十一月

  1. I’m happy to see that you are blogging again. For me, I’ve always just wrote what has interested me. If people like it, that’s great, but if they don’t I still go on. At times, I get busy and the amount of blogging I do decreases, but I still enjoy it. I’ve never thought of your blog as pretentious, quite the opposite. Years ago, I read the American sci-fi writer Philip K. Dick say that he writes so that he can sort out his thoughts. My experience in life is that sometimes you feel that you are not making “progress”, but quietly things move forward or when change happens you are ready for it. I wish you all the best in life!🙂

    1. Thank you so much for the kind words, they were really warming🙂 And the guess this blog will be used just as much for sorting my feelings out as for posting photos. I mean I could write a diary and keep it for myself, but sharing my thoughts and opinions with people makes me think twice about what I actually feel and think because I have a “responsibility” towards myself to make sure I express my true feelings when it’s in public… not sure if that made sense but anyhow:) And yup, fluctuations in life are probably common, only I had the luck to not be exposed to any major ones so far. But it will be fine, everything works out in the end. Come to think about it, my problem now is that I don’t have a goal to work for so for the time being, my goal can be to find a goal – better than nothing ^_^

      Again, thanks for commenting and reading, I really appreciate it!

  2. I’ve never felt your posts to be pretentious. Yours are one of the few that I always look forward to, so am happy you are posting again.

    I’ve noticed with myself that after much outgoing activity that I naturally tend to a little depression. If I just accept it rather than immediately think something is wrong, causing me to go out to seek more activity, the depression fades. I consider this normal and wonder if what you are describing isn’t similar.

    Consider checking out “Depression Quest” on the web. Just google it and you’ll find an interactive website on depression that might help you determine if your depressed, or just undergoing a normal reaction to suddenly finding all your goals met. (And remember that the achievement of one’s goals does not bestow happiness. Otherwise we’d all be miserable all the time! )

    Take care and, once again, welcome back.

    1. Thank you very much for your wise and friendly words!

      I think you are right about that my “depression” is a natural part of my life as it is right now, as a result of too many things going on. I can feel myself getting better already to be honest, at least some parts. But it’s good to know the next time I get down again, that it’s temporary and that it will get better.

      And I agree with you about that the achievement doesn’t need to be what makes you happy. On the contrary, I’m happiest when I’m on my way to some sort of goal. The problem lately though has been that there was no goal to aim for, and thus no road, if that makes sense… But slowly I’m adapting to live in the wait for the next goal to appear – if it ever will🙂

      Once again, thank’s for reading and for your support!

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